This isn’t going to be a post about being vegan or loving your fluff. I’m just gonna chat with y’all for a minute if you don’t mind…
I used to think that if you let one person into your heart you had to let everyone in. And if you let everyone in then somewhere along the way someone would break it. So I kept everyone out, no love allowed. Here is the problem with that though, it is a very lonely life. Don’t get me wrong, I have plenty of people who love me and vice versa, I have that in spades. But I’m talking about the kind of love that takes your breath away. That thing that people spend their entire lives searching for.
For me the idea of falling madly in love with someone has always scared me to no end. I grew up watching my parents seem to never get it right, falling in and out of love every week. I’ve watched love take the strongest women I know and turn them into the shadows, and I’ve seen love almost kill people. So I started to build walls. Every time love showed its true colors I added another brick. For years, brick by brick, I’d built this wall. Once when I was younger I fell in love. My wall was barely a wall and then he managed to hop right over it. And for years I didn’t have to add any new bricks. Then, like always it happened and like always I picked up my bricks and continued to build. Higher and higher. So high now that not a single soul can get in. So high that I can’t get down. I don’t know when in life things start to “shift” I guess you reach a certain point where they naturally just do. When things that seemed so important yesterday no longer matter. Maybe it’s because you get lonely or maybe because you get older or maybe a combination of both.
Some days I find myself thinking of that little Tashia, the girl who let love in and I smile. Other days I cry, not because I’m sad, but because I miss her. She was truly the fearless one and I’d built this wall so damn high that I can’t even hear her anymore. And if I am being completely honest… I miss her like crazy. She is the one who is responsible for all the awesomeness you see today. And for years she has patiently been waiting for me to remove these bricks. I don’t know when or if this wall will ever be completely down, but I know that I won’t let it get any higher.
This is what I know today. Building that wall kept me safe when I needed protection. It gave my heart the time and space to heal, but it was never meant to be a permanent thing. And who’s to say my heart won’t ever get broken again, but love is a risk right? Maybe that’s what I didn’t understand before. Maybe that is what little Tashia has been trying to tell me all these years. That if you just concentrate on the possibility of crashing you’ll never realize that you’re flying. So if you ever wonder where I am just look up, because sooner than later I am gonna close my eyes and fly!
Stay fluffy ladies,
Tashia Levy (The Fluffy Vegan) was raised in New London, Connecticut, graduating from New London High School in 2004. Visit www.thefluffyvegan.com for fun, food, fashion and fierceness!