Communication, while one of the most important things in both relationships and sexual exploits, is certainly not one of the easiest to make happen. However, it takes regular and open communication to make sure that all parties involved are having their wants and needs met, which is crucial to having a good time while getting it on.
While the thought of sitting down to have a talk about what really revs your motor and what makes you cool down faster than a cold shower might give you the heebie-jeebies, never fear. These quick tips will open those lines of communication and help increase satisfaction in your sexual relationship.
- Know the right time (and the wrong time!). While some feedback is OK in the middle of a sexual encounter (“A little to your right!” or “Oh yeah, that feels amazing!”), this is not the time to bring up things that you don’t like, or a completely brand new idea. Save that for a time when you are both relaxed, and in the right mindset to talk. (Read: Not right after your partner has been laid off, or you’ve just come home from a long trip.) Always begin with the positive—what is working, what feels good, how wonderful does your partner make you feel. Then, if you are looking for some change, it’s time to bust out the Compliment Sandwich.
- The Compliment Sandwich. Basically, it’s a sexy conversation where the bread is what you love about your partner or about the sex you’re having, and the filling is your sweetly worded suggestion for change or trying something new. For example: “Damn, you make me feel so sexy when you are eating me out. I’d really love it if you could do it maybe twice as long…I can’t even imagine how turned on I’d be, since you’re so good at going down.” This reassures your partner that you’re happy with the sex/relationship, gives them some good direction, and then reminds them that they are the reason you’re so turned on.
- If you’re not ready to have this talk face-to-face, why not consider writing an email, sending some salacious text messages (with some sexy hints about what is yet to come—other than yourself!), or even marking a passage in a book that you think sounds hot or like something you two might want to try, and then handing that book over to your partner with a wink. Still too intimidating? Leave it on their pillow or slip it in their briefcase!
All in all, what matters is that you communicate what you want and don’t want, not how you do it. Try lots of different ways to get your points across—and don’t forget to listen as well. You’ll be seeing results in the bedroom before you know it!
Bio: Shanna Katz, M.Ed, ACS, is a board-certified sexologist and sexuality educator. From topics like cunnilingus and consensual non-monogamy to communication skills and fantasies, she talks, writes, and teaches about the huge spectrum of sexuality, both from personal and professional perspectives. For more information, please visit her sexuality education site ShannaKatz.com.