As a wise man once told me, there’s not much a woman can do to make herself completely unappealing to every guy at a bar. After all, a bar contains all the essential elements to romance—booze, dim lighting, and the sweet, sweet smell of desperation.
However, as difficult as it is to come off as completely repellent—especially as last call approaches—there are some behaviors to steer away from. So whatever you do …
DON’T Travel In Packs
Flash-mobbing a bar with 12 of your best girls is great for a laugh, but if you’re looking to meet men, few things are more off-putting than a gang of roving broads. (This goes quadruple if you’re all wearing penis tiaras and shrieking about a wedding.)
DON’T Make It A Solo Event
Make no mistake, a lady sitting alone at the bar will get attention. Unfortunately, much of it will be unwanted. My friend Allie’s office had a big debate over this topic and came to the conclusion that three is the optimal number for a girls’ night out. This way if one of you is getting some action, the other two can keep each other company. If you’re not interested in interaction, bring along a book and make sure you leave your drink with the bartender if you need to step out to the loo.
DON’T Order Inappropriately
Putting aside the fact that you shouldn’t drink anything so stupid-sounding ever, ordering a Sex on the Beach in a dive decorated with flystrips and “wanted” posters is a recipe for ridicule. Likewise, ordering a PBR at a martini bar is dumb in a whole ‘nother way. When in Rome, baby.
DON’T Treat The Bar To A Girl-On-Girl Show
Unless you are actually a lesbian or bisexual (and no, “bi-curious” doesn’t count), please don’t make out with your female friends. You don’t look wild—you look pathetic and desperate for attention. And while, yes, you will get attention, it’ll be from rapey Joe Francis types and unless you’re in the mood for a helping of roofies and STDs, you might want to avoid those guys.
DON’T Let Him Win
Whether you’re playing Big Buck Hunter, darts, or skeeball, deliberately letting a guy win is idiotic, not to mention, insulting. It’s like giggling and pretending you’re stupid because you read in Cosmo that guys hate smart chicks. (Though, why a smart chick would be reading Cosmo … well, never mind.) Believe me, any dude worth dating will appreciate a challenging chick. That is, as long as she’s not a sore winner. Please note: shouting “In your FACE!!!!” while high-fiving yourself and doing the happy dance is a little excessive.
DON’T Convince Yourself That The Bartender Is, Like, Totally Into You
You know the type of guy who believes that out of all the other wallets in the club, the stripper wants him? Women tend to believe this about their bartender. After all, here’s this handsome, flirty guy giving you drinks … OK, well not technically giving you drinks, you are paying for them. But did you see the way he smiled and gave you an extra cherry? Pfffft. The bartender’s income depends on being charming and flirty because a large portion of it is derived from tips. So unless he slips you his number and asks you out, assume he’s like this with all the girls, and probably a lot of the boys too.
DON’T Bring Along Your Pocket Pal
As long as the bar is OK with it, bringing your pooch along with you for a beer can be a great way to meet new people. Not only is Barky a conversation-starter, you’ll be able to weed out the dog-haters without wasting a breath. That is unless your dog is a fluffy little frou-frou yapper you tote around in your purse. Rat-sized canines adorned in rhinestone collars, festive ribbons, and (God forbid) designer outfits should come with the warning: “will murder all erections in a five-block radius.” Wait til you know he’s hooked before you introduce him to Mr. Marshmallow.
DON’T Get Waaaaasted!!!!!
Yeah, yeah, you’re at a bar, where they serve alcohol … I get it. That’s still no reason to gulp down four margaritas, two shots of Cuervo, three beers and a couple car bombs. For one thing, nobody likes a slurring, burping, pukey lady—even worse if you’re the type who gets bawly and/or brawly when you drink. The most dangerous part about getting too drunk is that it impairs your judgment, making you far more likely to wake up butt-naked, spooning Carrot Top’s less-attractive brother.